Is this fax to Sporkfire geniune? Or is it, as we suspect, a load of old codswallop invented by some sad git who hasn't got anything better to do? Here's the fax, you decide...
 

*** Empire-Specific Aircraft - ETA January 2005 ***

*** SOE EMPLOYEE EYES ONLY: NOT FOR EXTERNAL DISTRIBUTION ***


Spork,

Enclosed: the Design Team's current reworkings of the original ESA specs. Not for public release yet obviously, but I thought you'd like to see them. 

Love from, SmokeJumper.

P.S. NORWICH 

The NC Exsanguinator

Crew: 1 pilot + 1 gunner. A heavily armoured airborne leviathan, the Exsanguinator is fitted with an immensely powerful Crunt Launcher, which can lay waste to a whole continent in a single shot. We anticipate long queues (and mucho TKing hehe) to get in the gunner's seat of this fat baby. Due to the immense amount of armour plating, the Exsanguinator's top speed is...not great, but it will take 30 Magriders three-quarters-of-an-hour just to drain the shields on this manly hunk of an aircraft. The Crunt Launcher must be fully charged before firing.
  • Top speed: 7kph
  • Flight ceiling: 500m
  • COF: 40 degrees
  • ROF: Fires 1 round per 24 hours
  • Crunt Launcher charge time: 72 hours

The TR Growler

Crew: 15 pilots and 80 gunners. Each gunner is equipped with a military-spec Pea Shooter. Although the damage from a single Pea is minimal, if all 80 gunners aim at the same target they can "insta-gib" a Rexo in less than 40 seconds. Due to weight considerations, the Growler can only take-off if there are less than 3 people on board. Bear in mind that all 15 pilots are necessary to operate this hovering war beast.

  • Top speed: 140kph
  • Flight ceiling: 2.5cm
  • COF: 15 degrees
  • ROF: 8000 per second

The VS LagSpammer

Crew: 1 pilot, who also guns. The LagSpammer's main weapon is the Lag Cannon, which uses standard Lasher ammo to fire intense beams of non-destructive, individually ray-traced particle effects, thereby devastating the frame rate of the enemy. These effects are not visible to Vanu, who are therefore immune to the resultant Lag. Secondary fire is a rear-mounted Ancient Tech Fartalyser, which squirts out a stream of quick-dispersing RottenFishSmell, thus disgusting the enemy and making them log. It is a similar (though more powerful) version of the smell currently exuded by Vanu Infantry.
  • Top speed: 120kph
  • Flight ceiling: 600m
  • COF: 180 degrees
  • ROF: 120 per minute
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